Christmas and Blended Families- the challenge

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Christmas is a challenging time in the best of circumstances but when you add in the complexity of a blended family or of an extended family network , you are adding in in its most simple terms

more people,more differing ideas, conflicting schedules, in to an already hectic time.

Loss is at the back of blended families, there has always been some loss involved to create this new arrangement.

May be divorce or a death and this loss can come in to view in high relief at Christmas as moments are remembered, relived in a new way, and where absence is felt most strongly.

This can lead to sadness and outbursts if it’s not prepared for and allowed for.

if a parent is absent – and there are feelings of loss or worry about that parent .. talk about it… let the child or teenager express it. If they are conflicted about where they ought to be then this too needs discussion. Maybe they need to phone or call to the absent parent to settle  in their minds that they are ok.

Thousands of separated Dads will not see their children on Christmas Day

 

So what can you do and what helps.

  • You can talk about it, discuss all options, communicate everything and plan and re- plan. a plan for each day that can be changed, but a plan is a good beginning.

 

  • Be inclusive get everyone’s ideas, don’t assume the children or teenagers will be happy to follow your ideas. Make sure everyone gets to influence what is happening. strive for equity .

 

  • Plan A SCHEDULE well ahead- everyone benefits from knowing what is happening and it allows for changes

 

  • Traditions have to be a mix also or old and new. new traditions even really small ones can build to something bigger and greater. Creating new traditions ( by agreement ) brings a sense of togetherness that really brings the blended family together.

 

  • Create one new tradition or event each year. It can be small or big. A walk, a baking event, inviting friends over, attending the Joe Duffy show on Grafton St, going to carols , volunteering, visiting someone who has been good to you and is important to you. All of these things are teaching your children how to enjoy Christmas in new ways , not to replace anything but to add to all of what they have done before.

 

 

  • Be respectful of all parents present and absent– children are relieved when parents can be civil with each other. Think about what it is like not to see your children on Christmas Day and see if there is a way around it that can work for everyone. It is not always possible especially when in the immediate aftermath of a separation or divorce. Dads tend to be more alone at Christmas

 

  • Focus on your own behavior rather than that of others- you can only control yours.

 

  • Adults need to plan for the gaps , plan for that time when you may be more alone.

 

  • Remember the challenge for young adults as they try to visit their parents many households in the hope of doing the impossible and pleasing  everyone

 

Christmas is about family and when family changes we need to embrace that and change too.

All of life is about change, in every phase.  It is a series of endings and beginnings.

So celebrate what you have not what you haven’t

Cherish those moments together and make them wonderful, enjoyable and fun. What was fun this year makes a tradition for next Year .

 

 

Happy Christmas everyone.

 

 

 

Best stats available tell us that 1 in every 3 families are not traditional in format.

1 in every 4 children live in a non-traditional family form

non- traditional structures – never married but are co-habiting

  • lone mothers ( never married , divorced or separated)
  • second relationship and step families remain in the minority

(ref combined study by esri and UCD Dept of Social Science- working on 2006 census data.)

 

Blended families – we are speaking of the combination of two family structures.

Where the adults who have a second chance at happiness live together with their respective children and or with any new children that they may have together.

 

Articles on subject

http://www.thejournal.ie/separated-fathers-christmas-1834950-Dec2014

http://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/divorce-and-separation/coping-with-holidays/coping-with-christmas-when-your-divorced-or-separated

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Psychology centre stage in Cuban health service – Can we learn from them?

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I spoke this week Monday 28th  November  on Tonight with Vincent Browne, and mentioned the very good aspects of the Cuban Health service that we could do well to look at in this country.
In particular the comprehensive integration of their mental and physical health services.

APA American Psychological Association have sent teams of psychologists to Cuba to see exactly what they do, how it works and why.

… See more

Getting to know Cuba
Psychology holds an important position in Cuba’s integrated health-care system.
apa.org
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Crisis of our young men – Rubberbandit got it in one.

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I was really thrilled to hear the focus on men especially young men as articulated fabulously by Rubber Bandit on the Late Late Show.
His words brought me back to this article I wrote in 2012.

Men don’t just provide financially. It is their very way of thinking and approaching problems, issues, play, challenge that has value in relationships and family life.

Are we listening to our Men?
https://www.google.ie/…

Working as a psychotherapist, I have begun to wonder if our men, brothers fathers and sons are considerably less sure of themselves than their female counterparts. Unsure of what it is they have to offer in relationships, in marriage, unsure of their value in the home and to society , and I wonder if this is so , should we not as a society be concerned.
Some fifty years on from Female Liberations movements, their effects are well established. Women are no longer chattels to anyone in modern society as we know it . Women work in any sphere they wish and more importantly they aspire to do and achieve what they wish.
No one doubts the necessity for this shift and the benefits have been enormous at a macro and micro level. Women like myself, have benefited from growing up in this time of change and value the freedom it has given to us and to the ambitions we can have for ourselves.
My question is how have men adjusted to these changes or have they adjusted?
What has taken the place of their once, clearly defined path in life as worker and breadwinner as women became earners and what happens to them when unemployment bites in.
What has happened to their role in the family? How do men now view themselves and how do their wives and partners view their contribution to family life and to child-rearing.
As the liberation movements gave a voice to women and helped them to articulate their needs and desires, in society ,they became yet more clear about their contribution which was already well defined in their unmistakeable mothering role.
Men on the other hand, seem to be standing to the side, unsure of their right to speak, unsure of what their needs are, unsure of their value and unsure of their right to articulate their needs.
I see young men in their twenties , surfing the cyber- world for markers of ‘how to be’ in this new world. Is this some of the fixation of our celebrity generation. When are men valued and for what specifically.
This is the hard question facing them. A young man recently said to me , women want to be equal but they still don’t want a man who earns less than them. This subtle dilemma faces every young male as he navigates his way.
I see men in their 30’s, trying to fulfil their role as a father and am sometimes shocked by the low value women place on their contribution in the home and am shocked that the male way of doing things is dismissed as always wrong.
For example ; Recently a couple were recently attending because the mother felt that the father was not sufficiently safety conscious with their six year old. On examination it was clear that in fact it it was she, the mother who was being overly careful and that it was the father, who had normal expectations of the child.
A woman’s primal urge to protect her child can come in the way of that child’s development, where a father offers a more calm fact-based appraisal of the risks. Men and women need to recognise the value of their different contributions to the development of their child. Men focus on independence while mothers focus on emotional security and safety. It is a little of both that the child requires.
Research bears this out when one looks at fathers and mothers at play with their children. They differ greatly. Women play with children at the child’s level and tend to allow the child to steer the play. Fathers, on the other hand tend to establish challenge , initiative and risk taking in to the play, leading more to the development of the physical and mental skill sets that lead toward independence.
Men are less pre-occupied by detail, for example, dishes, often, a source of irritation between couples in the home. The truth is men can ignore them, while women on the other hand cannot ignore the dishes. This ability to screen out detail is a male strength.
As an addendum to this, men will disagree with their partners and when that disagreement is over, it is over for them and quickly forgotten. Women, on the other hand, have the tendency to go over the detail in their minds and can find it difficult to forget about the detail and let the argument go. The male contribution here is a plus to the relationships and is helpful in resolving issues. It is also a personal strength as precious mental processing time and energy is not consumed on the argument.
But more interesting is what lies beneath this.
Men are different to women and need to be. Those differences need to be observed and valued, not ironed out of existence. The movements that have freed women may have silenced and confused men.
We need to hear more about men’s world, and we women need to listen to their world.
• What is it like to be young and male to-day?
• What is it like for them as sons , fathers , brothers , husbands.

As women we need to understand and value the strengths that are implicit to , the male way of doing things.
We need to acknowledge and support those strengths, in child rearing , in relationships, in our homes for the benefit of men, and women and our society going forward..

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Mannix Flynn’s appeal is a Mental health Issue

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I find the ease with which Mannix Flynn’s protest was written off as a ‘publicity stunt’ to be worrying and shows both a lack of understanding of the mental health issues implicit to this appeal and a ready willingness to trivialise the sincerity of his efforts.

There has been a cruel outflow of comments on the Journal, some even referring to his troubled childhood.  No mention of the enormous success that he has made of his life and the contribution he has made to our community as a much needed  voice for those who have suffered in our industrial schools.

This man is not like all other Councillors, he is uniquely qualified to comment on the effect of the Artane Band’s presence in its present format on those who have been damaged and ravaged in the Industrial School of St Joseph’s.

His letter of appeal available on his petition is reasoned and constructive. His concern is not for himself but for the many thousands who suffered and who are now adults.

The Artane Band  is a reminder, it is a display, it is a symbolic  representation of  a past from which  these victims  try daily to recover.

Do we understand that, and do we care?

Reminders to the traumatised person cause more than a remembering, it is not so simple  for them to  ‘forget about it’ .The tragedy for the traumatised person  is that they ’cannot forget’ nor can their physical selves forget. Each time a victim  sees a uniform, or sees  the name  their memory jolts in to re-living,  a recalling in high relief and a re-experiencing the stress, the pain, the aloneness , the horror.

Mental Health has become a very popular topic  but its not always  an easy topic  with a nice ending.

The victims of abuse in our institutions struggle daily with the emotional and psychological fallout of their horrific  experiences. They struggle with their mental health.

Do we understand, and do we care?

I believe we must honour their suffering and  people like Mannix Flynn  who  speak out for their Mental Health.

The  Artane Band is a Mental health issue for victims of Industrial schools – but it’s not what people want to hear.

 

Stephanie Regan

Clinical Psychotherapist and Trauma Specialist

086-2072146

Stephanie@stephanieregan.ie

 

 

 

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VINCENTIAN ORDER IS MORALLY BLIND SELLING LAND FOR PROFIT AT ST PAUL’S/ST ANNE’S

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We criticise developers for much that has gone wrong in Ireland in the last economic cycle, but they did not act alone. They had co-operation from those who colluded with them.
Our banking institutions played ball with them, facilitated their rolling over of loan books to acquire more land on which they could build more intensively, small units that delivered maximum profit. They fueled house prices, inflated loan books and generally brought our financial system to a cruel and painful halt.
We don’t expect much from the developer, we know their motivation is profit. We rely on our systems of state, our planning authorities, our Councillors and our TD’s to ensure that communities and amenities are protected.
What we do not expect is that our religious orders are motivated by profit. We do not expect that they will abandon their communities for ‘a buck’. Communities who have supported them, collected for them and prayed with them.
The Vincentian fathers have been running the St Pauls School at Sybil Hill, Raheny since the 50’s.
They have now sold off land which were previously playing fields to Crekav Landbank Investments who have applied to Dublin City Council for permission to build 270 apartments in five 4 and 6 storey blocks, overlooking the park at All Saints Road and 86 houses running for almost a quarter kilometre along the Main Avenue.
Next Monday is the last day for objections to this planning application to Dublin City Council. To date ,almost 5000 have signed an on-line objection and 400 have objected directly.
This public land was given to the Vincentian’s at a nominal price to facilitate the provision of this school and all the pitches and amenities attached.
They have already sold off the much valued indoor swimming pool, despite having denied that they were doing so in 2006 and now have sold off a further 50% of the remaining property under the guise of ‘not being able to afford the upkeep’.
Would it be that the 25 million they have acquired dazzled them and made them forget their moral obligations to the community about them.
They are making supernormal profits from this transaction since they were sold this land for a nominal sum in 1959 because it was for community uses.
I believe that it is not a complex moral dilemma to see that what is gifted to you is not correctly sold by you.
I am appalled that an institution such as the Vincentians are morally blind to this.
With the decline in vocations in all religious orders, it is now likely that institutional land will be placed on the market more frequently.
I would call on our Councillors and TDs to initiate legislation to protect our communities and amenities but more importantly I would call on these religious orders to check their moral compass and not to forget the welfare of the communities that they are being seduced to abandon.

excerpt from my own objection

The major portion of the land in question is situated on what is referred to as “Maryville”. This land was sold to the Vincentians in 1959 for a price of £3500. To put that in perspective a three bedroom semi-detached on house on Vernon Drive ( the closest development to Maryville in 1959) was approximately £1500 and thus £3500 was the equivalent of 2.33 such houses. These houses would now change hands for about €650,000 each. The current price for 2.3 such houses would be approximately €1.5 million while the agreed sale price for the land of Maryville is reported to be €25 million.

The potential extra ordinary capital gain of €23.5 million reflects the original belief in 1959 that such land would always be used for the benefit of the community and for that reason it’s full commercial value was not sought by Dublin Corporation. This was reflected in the stated objectives and purpose the zoning Z15.

Given the background to the sale of this land in 1959, it would in my opinion, be totally inappropriate if any gain were now to benefit only a very small number of the community namely
those belonging to the Vincentian Order.

If the lands are now surplus to the needs of the religious community known as the Vincentians, the lands should be returned to the community from whence it came and I would suggest that a figure of about €1.5 million would represent an appropriate return on the original amount of £3,500.

Stephanie Regan
Psychotherapist / Campaigner / Candidate in GE16
086-2072146
Stephanie@sraadmin.com

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Trauma/ Mental Health and the need for Community based Support that complements existing Mental Health Services

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http://www.newstalk.com/podcasts/The_Pat_Kenny_Show/The_Pat_Kenny_Show_Highlights/156470/Dealing_with_Trauma#.V9BOGGsJ4iw.facebook

Coping with a Critical Event-

 

There are times when you may experience an event or a crisis in your life , which makes you unusually stressed or anxious. Such events tend to be  sudden, unexpected  and emotionally powerful . Recent events for you , certainly have some of these very difficult characteristics. This leaflet is to help you, at this very difficult time.

Be aware that

  • it is normal to react to emotionally intense events.
  • it is the event that is unusual , not you.

You may experience

  • a sense of unreality, as the event occurs
  • anxiety, as the situation about you unfolds
  • anger mixed with helplessness at your inability to change the situation.
  • a reawakening of other situations in your past which echo emotionally
  • a difficulty relaxing, which can affect your sleep.

Remember you are not alone, although you may feel unique in your response.

Remember it helps to talk. Family and friends who understand can be helpful, but there are times that you may need to talk to a professional .

When?

  • if the intensity of your emotions feels overwhelming and increasing
  • if your sleep is significantly disturbed and you fail to sleep for 72 hours.

 

Stephanie Regan  086-8235151 or 018314812  stephanie@sraadmin.com

 

 

 

 

 

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The Eerie Silence of the’ Abortion Journey’ #twowomentravel

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Screenshot_2016-08-21-19-39-10

 

The Eerie Silence of the ‘Abortion Journey’

The cold reality of facing the process of having an abortion abroad and returning in the silence is needless suffering for our women.
#TwoWomenTravel – Twitter campaign documenting a woman’s travel to Manchester for an abortion began yesterday and quickly began to trend on Twitter.
It reminded me of the physical and psychological impact of abortion that I was introduced to as I escorted a good friend to Liverpool for a termination in the late 80’s.
I found the whole experience echoed in the ‘#twowomentraavel record of events and it made me remember in high relief the eerie silence of the abortion journey and the needless suffering that is still endured daily.
The secrecy of the mission involved so much lying and deception from our early morning Aer Lingus flight to Liverpool to our early morning return with Irish Ferries.
We met kindness too from the lovely nurses and met so many Irish over there.
Once the procedure was complete, I watched as they rushed to get home, to cover their tracks, so family would not know. In truth they should each have been lying back and resting, having had a medical procedure and an anaesthetic.
My friend and I together with six other women from Dublin sat and chatted throughout the ferry journey home, exchanging the reasons and the hysterical hiding from partners and family. I remember the giddy sense of relief that was there for some of them, others were unwell and quiet. As it happened the seas were rough on that night.
We came in to Dublin Port in the very early hours and made our way to our sleepy homes. I remember feeling the strangeness of what I had experienced, almost an other- worldliness that I too could share with no one.
The journey made an enormous impact on me. Delighted to help my friend but more it gave me a deep appreciation of the humanity of this very difficult choice.
While the clinical research broadly shows that women who have had a single first-trimester abortion are no more likely to have mental-health problems than those carrying pregnancy to term, but the needless suffering within the ‘travel for abortion’ journey impacts on our women’s wellbeing and we need to change this.
Facing a medical procedure is daunting enough, but having to travel before and after is an added stress..
Making a decision that is deeply complex and difficult without the support of open sharing is an added stress.
Having to lie about a decision to everyone, at home and in work, sneaking sleeps and days off until the bleeding stops is an added stress.
Knowing that what you are doing is illegal in your own country causes a feeling of added burden and sometimes shame.
Clinically I have worked with many women post abortion, some have travelled because of fatal foetal abnormalities, others because they are trying to work their way through an error or mistake in their lives. I have not met anyone who did it without huge thought and concern. I have never met anyone who was fickle about it.
I believe that we need to care more about the suffering that is being needlessly endured by our women, our sisters and our friends.
We need to accept that we live in an imperfect world and that abortion is a choice that is needed for our women.
We need to lift the shroud of silence that doubles and triples the stress of this event for each and every woman who makes this journey and vote for a change that will allow us to have services that will support and care for them.

Stephanie Regan
Clinical Psychotherapist
086-2072146

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Mental Health Budget threatened with being utilised for other areas of Health.

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Article in Irish Times

 

http://www.irishtimes.com/news/health/plans-to-divert-mental-health-funds-criticised-by-psychiatrists-1.2614711#.VxX-dLZycrA.facebook

 

Does’nt this summarise the fundamental problem in our Mental Health service.
The imperative of not poaching the Mental health budget.
How can progress be made if plans can only be short term.
We all know health is a minefield of challenges and difficulties, but if budgets are always accessible for other uses then it is easy to see why we are where we are.
I have proposed at the FG Ard Fheis in January that it is imperative to have separate budgets for Mental Health and now I think the need for a separated dept, looks like the obvious next step.
While our budgets are interconnected our services are not.
if you have a mental health issue out of hours – you go to A &E , even if you have been a patient of the Mental health system for 20 yrs.
The suffering is enormous, and the fallout of inaction also.
We need to get this right.

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Workplace Wellbeing Day Friday April 8th

Health & Well being

Wellbeing in the Workplace-It’s everyone’s business- Let’s talk!
Why?
Workplace Wellbeing Day, Friday April 8th

‘If we are to address National Mental Health, where better to begin than in the controlled environment of work where people spend a minimum of 8 hours a day, where we can encourage healthy habits , healthy relationships and provide a system of early intervention that maximizes the possibilities of recovery’

What factors are significant to wellbeing in the workplace environment?
Physically -level of activity at work – ergonomics of environment , healthy foods, lunchtime walk clubs , visiting speakers.
Emotionally – culture of workplace- collaborative, inclusive- sense of a team /group purpose. Management styles, supervisory styles. Facilitating connecting, downloading , chatting, breakout rooms, recognising the need for personal space and collaborative times.
Psychologically- sense of personal contribution being valued-degree of ‘change in the workplace – the extent of uncertainty – the manner of supervision – the paths to promotion, the clarity of purpose.
What it is, why it is important to employers, to employees and to the concept of improving our national wellbeing.
• Wellbeing is a subtle equilibrium point that involves feeling good physically, emotionally and psychologically.
• What can be done about it?
• What is being done about it?

‘ Many employers in Ireland take Employee Wellbeing seriously because it makes economic sense as well as fulfilling their duty of care’ Nutrition and Health Foundation; organisers of Workplace wellbeing Day say that over 50% of employers are focused on improving employee wellbeing.
‘ Employee or Staff health Programmes are becoming more evident as seen to impact not only absenteeism , but also morale, creativity and productivity.

Facts
– 11 million days lost each year through absenteeism at a cost of 1.5 bn.
– 15% of employers provide healthy food at the workplace
– only on third of employees take the recommended weekly level of exercise recommended for a healthy lifestyle
– 4 in 10 office bound workers say they are not physically active at all during their working day
– research supports the fact that support with personal worries and stresses have a dramatic effect on how people work.

Check out the services available at your workplace.

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Thank you for Sharing your World with me!

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I want to thank everyone who supported me in the recent GE16. Not only for your votes, your NO 1’s and No 2’s and your good wishes and good luck’s but also for the sharing of your lives with me, the sharing of your concerns and the ready telling of your stories at your door and at the shopping centres.

The whole campaign was quite a journey, the organisation and paperwork and the general hard graft of it all but what stays with me is the fervent and willing sharing that occurred in the passing moments with you.

I have learned what you are worried about, what you are angry about, how helpless you feel in places, how unheard you feel and how upsetting this is for you.

I have met the disabled child, brought to the door to me by his Dad, in a desperate need to explain the pain of trying to get the best for their boy- I heard you and was humbled and sad at your predicament.

I have met the mother worried sick because her daughter is now homeless and in a hotel with her 2 young children- I heard you and it made me want to do more.

I met the widow who cried when I asked her how she was, and she explained that it she was sad , because it was Friday and she ‘is always sad on Friday’ because that is when her husband died. I know it is special to have been given your private story so willingly and it makes me want help more.

I have met the anger from those that vent at everyone and everything and I hear them too

I am not put off, I am more keen and more willing to work for change in our system in what we do and how we do it.

Standing for election for me was about contributing to a the people side of politics. The effects of policy on people’s well being, their happiness, their health and it  will drive me to the next stage.

 

 

 

 

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