Bringing up ex partners,or spouses! What’s the problem?

Interesting chat yesterday about the issue of your partner always or often talking about their ex on your nights out or in your company.

Yesterday’s query related to the listener’s male partner always talking about his deceased wife. We also touched briefly on the matter of divorced spouses or exes.

Listen back below.http://www.newstalk.com/podcasts/The_Hard_Shoulder/Highlights_from_The_Hard_Shoulder/216554/Realtionships_Widower_talking_about_his_widow

Just a few further thoughts

Divorce.. Divorce is an all consuming event for all parties involved. it is a time of great uncertainty for each spouse and of course for the children.

Speaking about your ex in this context is similar but perhaps more obvious in that the one divorcing is going through a great adjustment, the ending of the marriage, the promises, the dreams for the future, the knowledge of pain and upset for the children if they are there.. there is so much to deal with.

Men more than women tend to move in to new relationships more quickly.

The result can be that there is working through of the emotions while settling in to this new relationship.  This is where and why it gets spoken about a lot.

Just like our listener today I believe it is reasonable and correct to draw lines around the issue. For example you may agree that there are times it is good to talk about it , but over a nice dinner out together or in the bedroom is not the place for those chats.

If your partner needs to talk about divorce or his ex more than is comfortable for you then you must say so.

NAME IT – IDENTIFY WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR YOU

SAY IT – SO THAT HE/ SHE CAN UNDERSTAND IT , COMMUNICATE IT

SHARE IT – IF YOU DON’T SHARE IT , YOUR PARTNER DOES NOT HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO FIX IT.

Post relationship

Talking about one’s ex raises  many things especially if it happens a lot.The biggest question is why and what are you achieving by it.

It can be habit, you may drift back in to memories and if so that is a habit you need to break as it is not pleasant or nurturing for the one you are with.

You may also be doing this by way of ensuring that your partner does not feel 100 % sure of you.  Maybe it is your way of saying I am not ready to give 100% of me.

It may be that you are not over the person and you may need to tidy all that up before you go in to a new relationship. Clearly if you are elevating your ex the problem will be even worse for your partner.

ENDINGS ARE IMPORTANT AS BEGINNINGS AND HOW YOU END YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS IMPORTANT TO THE QUALITY OF THE NEXT ONE.

 

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